‘Twas the week before Christmas
when all through the house,
Stuff was getting done,
But not by a mouse.
The stockings were hung
By the chimney with care,
They have to be filled,
Insert a swear word here.
The children were ignoring me
all on their phones,
While visions of video bloggers
Taught them sassy tones.
And Dan at his office
And me up to my ears in crap,
Had come to the conclusion that
I would never ever get a nap.
When out in the family room
There arose such a clatter,
I sprung from my home office
To see what was the matter.
Away from my computer I flew like a flash,
Tore open my door and tried not to be rash.
The kids off their phones were now fighting anew
Who ate whose advent candy? Accusations flew.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
The dog, the culprit, threw up everywhere.
With a deep breath so calming and chill,
I swabbed up the vomit and screamed with a trill.
Why, oh, why do you leave out your food?
Cleaning up dog throw up puts me in a bad mood.
Now pull it together! Now give me a break!
I’m trying to work. I have presents to wrap for goodness sake.
Off to you rooms! You’re all off the hook.
Write a letter! Be nice! I know, read a book!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!
My eyes – how they stared
At my To Do list – so scary!
My head – how it ached
And throbbed, not so merry!
My troll little mouth was
Pulled down in a frown,
And my back left tooth was so sore
I knew it needed a crown.
The kids retreated to their rooms
And I started to wrap.
In between each gift I lost the tape
And said crap.
Where does it go? I asked myself out loud
Talking to myself while wrapping, I was not proud.
I ate a Christmas cookie, well, a dollop of batter
And ate some more. Really, what does it matter?
Santa was cute with his round, jolly belly
So what if mine also shook when I laughed
Like a bowl full of jelly?
Santa was chubby and plump, a righteous old elf,
And I laughed that I compared my body to his, in spite of myself.
I poured some red wine and ate more raw cookie dough
I was feeling fine, having fun, well, wouldn’t you know.
I spoke not a word, the kids left me alone.
I wrapped present after present and let out a moan.
The Elf on the Shelf gave me a wink.
He knew I was Santa, and he can’t even think.
“Only a week more,” he said softly, so our last believer wouldn’t hear.
“I don’t think I’ll make it,” I cried with real fear.
“You have no choice, Lady,” he said rather lame.
(The Elf on the Shelf does not know my name.)
As he spread his felt wings with all of his might,
I heard him explain as he flew out of sight…
“Christmas is coming, your family needs you, not a faker.
Santa is good, but you’re the Default Magic Maker.”
Related Posts
The Legend of The Fourth of July in My Hometown
Hey Mom and Dad, Applying to College Is Killing My Mojo
Why I Wanted to Throw an Apple at My Husband’s Head for 20 Years
Sometimes You Have To Pivot
The Hair Pulling Madness of the Campus Tour
My Love Hate Relationship with Christmas Cards
We Means You
It All Starts with Grease
33 Self-Improvement Thingees to Read and Then Quickly Forget
When You Feel Fat For You
The Six Fighting Words All Couples Know and Hate
Hamilton Tickets: The Dumbest, Best Money We’ve Ever Spent
When Midnight Hits and You’re Wide Awake
And, Just Like That, She’s Off
Don’t Go Down To The Basement: Coronavirus Edition
Enjoy Every Minute of It? Do You Even Have Kids?
A Breakup Letter to My Forties
The Wallet Years: The Worst Stage of Parenting?
The Default Parent™
The Anti-New Year’s Resolutions Revolution
Seven Signs of the Aging Apocalypse
The Modern Midlife Crisis
To the "Not to be nitpicky, but…" People
About Jugglers
My Thighs are Trying to Run My Life
So, I’m Going to Freakin’ India!
Escaping Your Inner Voice Captor
"Area Man Shocked to Find Out Cool Wife Wants to Feel Special On Valentine’s Day"
A Quick Guide for Staying Young
The Family Dinner Horror Show
A Letter to My Friends on New Year’s Day
20 Years of Marital Bliss
The Week Before Family Vacation
The Joy of Not Caring About Stuff
Things I Want To Complain About That Make Me An Asshole
30 Years of Marriage: The Myths and the Magic
Vacation Daddy
Cheating Death: 30 Years of Borrowed Time
Doing Time in Elementary School
My Baby Girl is Going to College
Manifest Dresstiny
Scattered Thoughts on My First Pandemic
The Little Black Dress Party
The Joy of Summertime Mushy-Brained Kids
45 Years Old Isn’t the "New" Anything
Gen Xers, Unite! Or Don’t. Whatever.
Teenagers in the Mist
Buddhist Compassion and Metaphorical Face Punching
The Default Parent Resume
September is the Worst
End of School Madness is Upon Us
Going Rogue on Christmas Gifts
How A Walk In Montreal Gave Me Much Needed Hope in Humanity
Open Letter To My Kids About Summer
Vacation or Trip? A Helpful Guide for Parents
Middle School in the 80s
this might be my favorite one so far 😘
Wonderful!!! You nailed it :0 I’m sure it took all that you had to get all the normal crap done and still come up with something funny for your new found famous blog 🙂 you go girl…Hat’s off to ya . happy holidays!!!