So, my friend invited me to a Better Than Ezra concert. She said something like, “Hey, I won four tickets on the radio to see Better than Ezra, do you and Dan want to go?” Now I’m paraphrasing here, but the important part to understand is that the words “Little, Black, Dress, and/or Party” were never spoken, in any order, at any time. Of course I say yes. I say YES to life! I don’t give a moment’s thought to what I will wear because I’m forty-something and it’s a concert. Right? Wrong. It’s, apparently, a Little Black Dress Party.
I get to my friend’s house and she’s wearing a cute, little, black dress with a fancy necklace and earrings. I’m wearing a denim skirt, a $6.99 tank top from Old Navy that says “Aloha” on it, beach flip flops, and, of course, a flower in my hair. I panic. My husband’s like, you’re fine. It’s a concert. My friend explains that the black dress thing was part of the radio promotion, but she checked and it was optional. She’s a huge Better Than Ezra fan, so I figure it’s some inside fan thing. Neither of us gives it another thought.
We pull into the parking lot and it’s full of women wearing black cocktail dresses. Fancy ones. With pearls. And rhinestones. There is sequins. And heels. High, sexy heels. I’m wearing dirty, beach, Sanuk flip-flops. My toes haven’t been pedicured since about April. I say, “Everyone is wearing a black dress.” My husband was like, “Not everyone is wearing a black dress. You’re just seeing that.” At this point, I realize my husband is either really sweet or completely blind, and I consider knocking out my friend and wearing her black dress.
We walk up to the venue and there is a roped off red carpet and signs everywhere that say, “Little Black Dress Party.” I’m hoping, praying to a god I don’t believe in, that this is some elaborate joke. Or I’m starring in a new reality show called, The Real Housewives of What Not To Wear. I look, desperately, for hidden cameras, or Ashton Kutcher reviving Punked. Come on, Ashton.
Nope. Every single woman inside the concert hall is dressed to the nines in, a little black dress. It’s just me in a sea of little black dresses.
People are staring, whispering, pointing. They aren’t even the slightest bit subtle about it. In fairness to them, I looked ridiculous. I looked like I just rolled off the beach.
I make the most of it. I’m M. Freakin’ Blazoned, dammit. I can hang when the chips are down. I’m so solidly secure with myself, that screw it, I’m happy I don’t have on a little black dress, which incidentally I have lots of cute ones hanging uselessly in my closet 30 miles away.
I see the women pulling and tugging on their ill-fitting black dresses…seems many took the “little” part of the invitation too far…and think, I will have the last laugh. Once the concert starts, I’ll be the one dressed to rock out. Right? Wrong. So, so wrong.
Turns out it’s not really a concert. It’s a radio sponsored cocktail party with a DJ and a Little Black Dress theme, I think, maybe, to support breast cancer or some other noble cause I look like I’m mocking. Better than Ezra is scheduled to play for 30 minutes. I’m totally screwed.
Unable to stand the embarrassment any longer, I remember I have a pair of jeans in the car and two bags of my kids’ clothes for Goodwill in the trunk. Like the classy woman I am, I shimmy into the jeans in the front seat of the car in a well-lit parking lot. We’ve all been there and know it’s not easy. You’re welcome for the visual. I dig out my 12 year old daughter’s dance tank top. It’s black with bedazzled, “Peace Love Dance” on it. Sold! I even have a nicer pair of jeweled flip-flops in my car. Believe it or not, this is a major improvement to my look. I idiotically think I’ll blend in.
Now, I like to sell myself as the type of woman that wouldn’t really care about any of this…and happily a huge part of me did not. I knew, if nothing else, it would be a kick-ass story. But, I won’t lie. It was hard. I wanted a little, black dress so bad it hurt. The Meredith Myth was busted.
It reminded me, oddly, of my 8th grade English teacher who, maybe on the first day of school, for some crazy reason, told us, while slamming of her hand on our desks, that you weren’t really a “virgin” if no one had ever asked you to have sex. (Stay with me here.) At the time, I’m not even sure I knew what a virgin was, and figured she was having a nervous breakdown. But later in life, I got it. It’s super easy to define who you are without ever being in a particular situation. Well, I’m not a virgin anymore. I’ve been tested. I’ve gone to the belly of the beast. I’ve been shaken to the core of not fitting in, of people judging me, and I’m here to say…it’s not fun. Forget character building and individuality. Would someone, please, for the love of god, get me a little, goddamn, black dress?
You might be wondering if I will ever speak to my friend again. I’m going to say yes, since she will read this blog. I’m kidding. She really had no idea everyone would be in black dresses and felt terrible as we all realized the truth of the situation. And she cheered me on in my outfit(s) and thought I was the world’s greatest sport. She’s a super nice person…way nicer than me. But that night I scored some points for being nice myself. And since lately I had been indulging my dark side in a revenge fantasy against someone who totally had it coming, I’ll take nice.
The lesson of the Little Black Dress Party is that you win some, and you lose some in the game of self-discovery. I learned, despite what I want to believe about myself, I’m not impervious to the need to fit in. I also learned that I’m serious about my credo that life is short and you should not take it too seriously. The band played for an hour. They were fantastic. We danced. We had a blast. I have a great story. The women there have a great story about the weirdo who wore not one, but two inappropriate outfits. It was a win for all of us.
But, you can bet your sweet ass that I am going to carry a little black dress in my car, at all times, until the end of time. Might I suggest you do the same.
Proof positive I own, and can rock, a Little Black Dress, ya’ll!
Related Posts
Seven Signs of the Aging Apocalypse
Buddhist Compassion and Metaphorical Face Punching
30 Years of Marriage: The Myths and the Magic
The Family Dinner Horror Show
We Means You
Things I Want To Complain About That Make Me An Asshole
To the "Not to be nitpicky, but…" People
And, Just Like That, She’s Off
Doing Time in Elementary School
End of School Madness is Upon Us
A Quick Guide for Staying Young
It All Starts with Grease
20 Years of Marital Bliss
Vacation Daddy
The Hair Pulling Madness of the Campus Tour
The Beautiful Maddening Contradiction of Teenagers
The Modern Midlife Crisis
Open Letter To My Kids About Summer
The Default Parent Resume
Cheating Death: 30 Years of Borrowed Time
So, I’m Going to Freakin’ India!
About Jugglers
Teenagers in the Mist
Hamilton Tickets: The Dumbest, Best Money We’ve Ever Spent
My Love Hate Relationship with Christmas Cards
A Breakup Letter to My Forties
When Midnight Hits and You’re Wide Awake
A Letter to My Friends on New Year’s Day
The Anti-New Year’s Resolutions Revolution
Hey Mom and Dad, Applying to College Is Killing My Mojo
"Area Man Shocked to Find Out Cool Wife Wants to Feel Special On Valentine’s Day"
Middle School in the 80s
September is the Worst
Enjoy Every Minute of It? Do You Even Have Kids?
Sometimes You Have To Pivot
When You Feel Fat For You
The Default Parent™
Twas the Default Magic Maker
Why I Wanted to Throw an Apple at My Husband’s Head for 20 Years
Escaping Your Inner Voice Captor
The Wallet Years: The Worst Stage of Parenting?
Manifest Dresstiny
The Six Fighting Words All Couples Know and Hate
45 Years Old Isn’t the "New" Anything
The Week Before Family Vacation
How A Walk In Montreal Gave Me Much Needed Hope in Humanity
Don’t Go Down To The Basement: Coronavirus Edition
33 Self-Improvement Thingees to Read and Then Quickly Forget
My Thighs are Trying to Run My Life
Vacation or Trip? A Helpful Guide for Parents
The Legend of The Fourth of July in My Hometown
The Joy of Not Caring About Stuff
Scattered Thoughts on My First Pandemic
Going Rogue on Christmas Gifts
The Joy of Summertime Mushy-Brained Kids
Gen Xers, Unite! Or Don’t. Whatever.
Yes you totally rock that LBD!! but you also look hot in the shorts 😉
My favorite part was when you shimmied into the jeans in the car!
Great post, I love your love of life and the not so comfortable moments. Your spirit always comes shining through. I wish I could say I would have done the same, but I think I would have run home and changed!
I thought you rocked the flower ….. 😊. I once showed up to a party of people I didn’t know in a tight fitting black dress with a feathery boa collar – and everyone was wearing jeans and preppy polo shirts. I thought / oh well/ I looked great so fuck it. But as the night wore on, I came to realize there were factions of the party that were actually trying to figure out if I was a real hooker or not…..
Awe, I wish you stayed in the Aloha tank. A year or two ago I waited outside the high school to pick up my son from The Homecoming Dance and I watched as girl after girl after girl came out in a little black dress. The only girl I really noticed was the one rocking the only non black dress. It was simple, a camel color. I remember thinking how stunning she looked and I admired her choice. The is something to be said about standing out in a crowd.
When I was in college I was invited to a graduation party for a guy I was dating. He told me it was casual. (He also once put 40 cents in the gas tank) I always believe people when they say it’s casual. I love casual. But yes I have been there. All the girls were in dresses and heels. I had a cute (short) little striped cotton blousey top with shorts AND SNEAKERS…. Oh well, where’s the keg?